What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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