i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
