New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need water and some morals
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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