Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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