I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
