yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im holly from the hills drunk
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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