Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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