I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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