I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
