I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
