What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize