I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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