What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
