Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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