My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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