I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
