I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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