Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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