I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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