please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
