R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
