Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
