she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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