did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
