i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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