I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
