Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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