i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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