So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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