Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize