People in love make me want to vomit
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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