Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
