Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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