I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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