so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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