a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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