I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
