Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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