also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
