thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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