He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
