we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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