marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
