I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
