It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Randomize
