i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
