Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
