I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
