I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
