I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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