I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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