He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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