I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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