That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize