In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Randomize
