I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
