I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
