I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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